Missing

Cabin Fever is hard enough to deal with, but throw in a sick kid who is attached to you (literally) every 2 hours, sleep deprivation, the same old daytime TV, and the inability to eat what's in the pantry and it makes it much more difficult. My days just seem to melt together. I rarely know the actual date, I just keep doing the same thing day in and day out, because right now, I have to be a machine. I have to keep going for my son.

I miss people. Specific people, yes, but just human interaction in general would be nice. I'm hoping my current friends will be understanding of my situation and not write me off just yet. I rarely get to leave my home or my parents' home. I have yet to be out on a date with my husband since my son was born more than 5 months ago. The only things I get to do are quick grocery runs and previously, an appointment or 2 at work. I can never be gone more than about 2 hours at a time because Daniel hates bottles and will only eat a very small amount from one, never enough to sustain him until the next feeding. If I get home and he ate that small amount just an hour before, he screams til I nurse him, then he pukes because he ate too soon. Something I've learned about my son's digestion is that he needs that full 2 hours to digest the first feeding before eating again or his tummy gets upset and stays upset for a few hours. I don't fully understand it, but from what I've gathered, it has to do with bile production and stomach acid not being at full strength because they're still working on his last meal. When you throw the new milk in there too soon, it doesn't get digested properly and I end up with a very upset baby. Another reason I have to be around to nurse him is my milk supply. I'm eating a very limited diet, and therefore my calorie intake isn't as high as it probably should be, making it harder for me to make enough milk to sustain Daniel unless he nurses from me directly as many times a day as he can. I need those nursing sessions to tell my body to keep making more milk, because unless you pump exclusively and set yourself up with it from the beginning, pumping doesn't keep your milk supply as abundant as a baby does.

Talking about my milk supply reminds me how much I miss food. I used to love watching cooking and food related shows, now, I avoid them like the plague. I loved reading cooking and recipe magazines, but now when they come in the mail, they go in the "read later" pile. I love experimenting in the kitchen and figuring out new ways to make gluten free taste yummy. I've started sewing more (in all my free time, lol) in order to keep a creative outlet for myself. So I think that's how I'm dealing with my inability to create tasty treats in the kitchen. Having to go through this really makes a person realize how much food tends to be the center of gatherings. Why does it always have to be about food? Can't you just have a game night/movie night with a few little snacks, have a visit with family without a meal being involved, meet a friend for something other than "lunch?" It's tough enough trying to figure out how to have people over and eat only what I can, but going out to eat is not even plausible for me.

I can't go anywhere without a plan. This kills me. I miss being spontaneous. Unfortunately, I know a lot of mommas go through this when they have a child with any type of food allergy or disability. I would love to be able to just grab the diaper bag and go, but people with "normal" children don't have to worry that there might be an hours worth of vomiting and pack tons of extra clothes and burp rags, or hours of screaming in pain, or that their child might accidentally chew on something that could have trace amounts of food proteins on it, or that someone might feed their child/kiss their child without washing their mouth out/let their child chew on a finger with lotion or residual food/etc.

Some may call me anal or over protective, but I know in my heart that I'm just keeping my son safe. It's sad that my social, food loving, spontaneous self has to suffer because of this, but I think of how things will eventually get easier as he grows older, and hopefully in 3-5 years, FPIES and all the challenges that come with it will be nothing but a memory. People live 80-100 years nowadays right? What I'm missing over these next 3-5 years will be well worth the rest of our lives being exciting!